Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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