it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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