I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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