I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He shit in the fireplace
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
