He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
