Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
