Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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