New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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