I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
