sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
