I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
