no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
