Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
