My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
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