I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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