You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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