tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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