I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?