We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That's what I'm talking about
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"