At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
