i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
