Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
