I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
