An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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