Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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