areolas are like halos for boobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
