we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
