So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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