I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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