At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
