You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
