I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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