I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I will be naked everywhere
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We need to get me chipped asap
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
