EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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