It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
