i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
