This is not my ceiling
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
