I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
