I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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