I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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