So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
