gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
