i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
