do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
