Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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