Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
