i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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