Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
