conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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