i jhust puked up my retainher.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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