the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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