So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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