Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
organizing the empties. That sober.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
