you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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