The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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