there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
