Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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