The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
