"it" just moved
she woke up with a sticky ear
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
