If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
